Do It Yourself


In the good old days, if you needed something done around the house, you called in a ‘Tradesman’ (and in those days, it was a man) who had served many years as an apprentice. He was an expert in his field and an artisan. He would certainly grumble and drink copious amounts of loose tea but more often or not, you’d get a fair days work, for a fair days pay. These artisans built and serviced properties of substance that were designed to last. It’s for this reason that many of the houses built 100 years ago are still with us. Meanwhile, you could go about family duties and enjoy quality time, without a care.

However, after the Second World War, for reasons of economy, the ‘bodger’ was born. Hopeless amateurs decided to take it on themselves to do many of the very skilled tasks, (from tiling and plastering to intricate decorating) in the home, without the aid of a professional craftsman. Sadly, the phrase ‘Do It Yourself’ (DIY) was invented. Okay, perhaps I’ve left it 60 years too late but DIY is a menace. It should be outlawed. It deserves a thoroughly Skelpt Arse. Now!


I suggest we change perceptions and instead of DIY people appearing smug and self-satisfied, boring friends with their gazebo or Spanish-style hacienda dining room, they should be seen as harbingers of doom and perpetrators of extreme bad taste. The term ‘DIY’ should be outlawed and where it formerly appeared, it should have to be replaced with the word ‘Bodger’. That would sort things out. Let’s see how B&Q get on with as their web address. We should also immediately start training LOADS of apprentices to fill the void, to help save knuckles, marriages and crimes against good taste, everywhere. We could bring back loose tea and professional moaning to replace the false promises. Real, honest, tradespeople, moaning for a reason, not because they were hopeless. This would also re-introduce the art of whistling as happy tradesmen joined-in with the pop tunes of the day, accompanying their paint-spattered ‘transistor’ radio.

This would have the added bonus of solving unemployment, with skilled young people breaking free from the call centre to become plumbing maestros. It would let people use Bank ‘Holidays’ to have a holiday. Imagine a world without all those massively annoying DIY ‘gurus’? No foppish ‘L L Bowen’-types or Irish guys with ridiculous accents, who help you to ruin your garden.


Would you prefer to spend your Bank holidays in the pub? Do you value your sanity and your knuckles and your family. Do you have an intense hatred of the words ‘self’ and ‘assembly’? Join us! D I Why?

Give em a slap
Light SlapMild SlapSlap them around a bitHard SlapYer Skelpt! (11 slaps, average: 4.18 out of 5)
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  • Hear, hear!

  • Well, I for one think you’re spot on here. Having given up a week off to ‘attack’ my spare room, I now feel that I would have gladly paid someone else to do it. They’re not selling me their trade, I’m buying back my free time!

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What is Skelpt Arse?

To use a splendid bit of sadly, now seldom-used Scottish vernacular, whose 'arse' definitely needs 'skelpt'?

Who or what has been letting you down, letting our magnificent country down or who generally needs brought into line. Politicians? Overly politically-correct-mandarins? Jobsworth civil-servants? Service industry specialists who've not been servicing? You tell us!

We've got a sliding scale of 'skelpitness' from a light smack or a pure, red, stinger? You decide!

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