Mr and Mrs T. Sheridan, you’re impossibly boring and have absolutely no right to be taking-up so much of a Scottish Court’s (and every tabloid newspaper’s) time. Tommy, we as a hard-working Scottish Nation don’t want to know which way you swing, or if you fibbed, or if you drew back your Bow and let your arrow flow, at Cupids. We’re also getting a bit pissed-off with your poor-wee-guy-against-the might-of-Murdoch stance. Nobody’s picking on you, it’s all of your own making.
Once upon a time, this Tommy v Goliath battle was mildly interesting. Trashy newspaper v Socialist firebrand and man o’ the people. However, as you’re now a political irrelevance, it doesnae really matter if you’ve actually poked most of Lancashire, or not.
We realise that bearing in mind the Accusation, perhaps it’s not the first time you’ve had a erm…’Skelpt Arse’ but we feel a Skelpt Arse fur you, Brother…and yer missus, it simply hus tae be.
If, all those years ago, ‘Comrade Tom’ had suggested that the whole ‘swingy-thingy’ had actually happened (although Tommy, we’re not suggesting for one minute that it did…) this socialist storm in a D-cup would have been over, blinkin’ years ago. He’d still have the might of the SSP behind him and would be looking to take his place in Holyrood, (or maybe even Hollywood) in the very near future.
It would have been easier if Tommy had suggested (and Gayle had erm..entered into it) that he/they were a bit pissed on the night in question and got involved in a drunken game of ‘Spoof’, which got a bit fruity.
After all, (unlike lying in Court of Law) a bit of Mancunian manky-ness isnae illegal! If he’d suggested that he actually thought ‘Swinging’ was socially acceptable and as a Socialist, he was duty-bound to represent the people in this erm…area, people might have quite liked him. The ‘shagging socialist’ would have been in great demand on the stand-up comedy circuit and he would have probably sold-out at the Edinburgh Fringe, instead of dying on his arse there.
He/they could have admitted to bonking every fat, middle-aged, chained-up Mancunian in a gimp suit as a bit of a libertine, power-to-the-people stance. Admittedly, it would have been a bit of a story, at the time. By now though, it would be very old news and well forgotten about. The increasingly orange G&T would not be facing the nick and they would have been enjoying their Trolley Dolly/Reality-Show-participant careers.
G&T, if you’re lucky/righteous enough to get off with it, if you’ve been telling the truth and all your SSP ex-comrades have been slavering a load of Bolsheviks, please, please, please don’t bore us with the details. We don’t want the triumphant, fist clenched, ootside the courts stance…again. I’m not your ‘brother’ and you don’t really represent me, anyhow.
Conversely, if it’s found out that you’ve seen more swinging action than both the Ryder Cup teams (including Tiger Woods), we don’t want to see the photos of you going into/coming out of Cornton Vale or Saughton and how ‘spending some time with your people’ will be cleansing. Also, if the ‘Soaraway Sun’ or the ‘News of The Screws’ can prove there is a photie of Gayle dressed as a schoolgirl and you in a studded posing pouch (with the studs on the inside, nae doubts) we don’t want to see them either.
We just want you to go away, maybe open a wee boozer in Alicante or somewhere tantastic like that. Somewhere with a nice nightclub next door…
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What is Skelpt Arse?
To use a splendid bit of sadly, now seldom-used Scottish vernacular, whose 'arse' definitely needs 'skelpt'?
Who or what has been letting you down, letting our magnificent country down or who generally needs brought into line. Politicians? Overly politically-correct-mandarins? Jobsworth civil-servants? Service industry specialists who've not been servicing? You tell us!
We've got a sliding scale of 'skelpitness' from a light smack or a pure, red, stinger? You decide!