BBC Good Food Show

Accusation

A treat for the STAR Management team….half day Friday and off to the BBC Good Food Show, sounding good so far…? Well a bit of advice for anyone thinking of dropping in over the weekend…don’t!

We like to keep our celebrity fingers on the pulse and check out what’s happening all over the UK so what a great opportunity to see our lovely celebrity chefs in action at the BBC Good Food Show. At the live ‘Supertheatres’ the only man to see is the rugged and feisty Mr Ramsay. Gordon ‘if I was chocolate I would eat myself’ Ramsay was his usual exuberant and exhausting self, bounding onto the stage to announce he had a massive hangover…lucky old him!

He had more helpers and pot washers than you could shake a spatula at and quite frankly if he’d been on roller blades he couldn’t have got through the 3 course demo any faster. In fact it was so fast we all felt quite dizzy by the end…that could have been due to the heat, the level of testosterone pumping out of Gordon’s body or the lack of refreshments provided. He made something which should have had smoked haddock in it but actually had smoked salmon…then spicy duck…and the pudding was so quick we can’t even remember what it was! Olly the wine man from BBC1’s ‘Saturday Kitchen’ was so desperate for any kind of attention, he settled for being the butt of Gordon’s constant same joke about his rather ‘loud’ suit and that poor posh Olly should take a trip to the ‘Barras’ actually we thought they should both go…and we’d give them a lift!

As Gordon waved us all goodbye he shouted ‘I’m off to Dubai now, enjoy the rest of your weekend’ ba**ard! Needless to say the BBC Good Food Show website is still announcing, come and see you favourite chefs…like Gordon Ramsay….! Our Gordon will be on Jumeirah beach by now in his Speedos and sporting factor 2 on his already rather tangoed mush!

Dehydrated and in desperate need of some vino we hike off to find the VIP Lounge (tickets @ £65.00) which, for ease of access is located away on the other side of the SECC. We eventually storm into the VIP Lounge gasping for some comfy seating, a choice of cheeky little savoury snacks from swanky wee Scottish food producers and someone desperate to fill us a glass of fizz! It wasn’t to be, the VIP Lounge was like god’s waiting room with metal bistro tables, 4 metal chairs at each and the most boring man on the planet standing at the front of the room staring at the floor and droning on about the wonders of cured meat. We were in shock….and our arrival caused a bit of a stir, maybe we just woke up the audience, but they stared at us as if we’d just done a Gordon and said the ’F’ word out loud…we hadn’t, but we were thinking it! We didn’t stay, we grabbed a fistful of ‘this entitles you to a free glass of cheap fizz’ vouchers and made our escape in search of stand G44 for the cheap free vino. As you can imagine when we got there the queue was knee deep, we got served eventually and necked the tiny plastic flute of fizz so quickly it didn’t touch the sides, no way were we queuing for another!

Reminiscent of a 1970′s Ideal Homes Show…being accosted every five minutes by the salesman ‘from hell’ from Npower, what the hell was he doing there anyway? Or the bloke who wanted rather ‘aggressively’ to know if we were ‘green’ and how did we recycle…none of his bloody business what we do with our empties!

Wishing we’d worn comfortable shoes but knowing that day will never come, we trek on, up and down the endless aisles of homemade jam and chutney, smoked cheese and ham, wild boar (we’d already heard him..) venison, organic chocolates, yoghurt and god only knows what else, the desperate pleading eyes of the stall holders on us, praying that we will actually stop and buy something…not a chance we just want to leave!

Peed off we’d forgotten to put party feet in our shoes and feeling well and truly fleeced we decided the only option was to make our feelings known. After some furtive chatting up of the security staff one lets slip that there is a ‘Press Office’ just down the hall so off we go in search of someone in charge. We make our list of grievances clear to the lovely girl on the front desk, she visibly squirms and says would you like to take a seat? They had the seating we’d been searching for all afternoon, beautiful thickly padded purple sofas, cushions, space, nobody from Npower…it was heaven! A lovely man in a kilt even got us a glass of wine. Had we known all of this in advance we’d have headed straight for the press office and passed on the show….A few minutes go bye and lovely smiley Clare comes to join us, she’s in charge, she’s shocked and aghast that we hadn’t had the time of our lives, however in true ‘person in charge’ style Clare would do whatever she could to make things better for us and she did….thank you lovely smiley Clare.

Recommendation

Body swerve Birmingham and London now, sorry BBC Good Food Show but you’ll need to do better next time! They deserve a severe skelptarse, hit the skelpometer below HARD!!!

Representation

Well, BBC Good Food Show, we’re all ears, what have you got to say for yourself?

Give em a slap
Light SlapMild SlapSlap them around a bitHard SlapYer Skelpt! (36 slaps, average: 4.44 out of 5)
Loading ... Loading ...
  • E-mail this story to a friend!
  • Facebook
  • TwitThis
  • Technorati
  • Reddit
  • del.icio.us
  • StumbleUpon
  • RSS
  • Digg
  • NewsVine
  • Google
  • LinkedIn

3 Comments

  • The proof that despite all his endorsements of brands such as ‘Gordon’s Gin’in an attempt to hang with the Coolio’s, Gordo Ramrod is really a moron!! Dubai is welcome to you, hope you get roasted;)

  • At least he used salmon instead of haddock so he might be a loud fcuker but at least he’s an ethically loud fcuker (as long as you ignore what Salmon gets fed on but that’s another Skelpt Arse). We were at the Cap Gemini Black & White Ball on Friday where they announced that they were THE most ethical event in the history of events ever – and then they served smoked haddock for a starter. I was going to do a Skelpt Arse but the event organiser was prancing around in a mink stole so I figured she wouldn’t get the point. Maybe they all went down to the Good Food show afterwards…

    • …obviously you guys had scoffed all the smoked haddock reserves on the west coast leaving poor old Gordon ‘Fu**ing’ Ramsay floundering with the smoked salmon!

      It’s your duty to do a skelptarse on both Cap Gemini and the Event Organising Ms Mink Stole (presuming of course it was a Ms? even better if it wasn’t…) the fur folk would have a canary….

      Ethical events….rediculous!!

Leave a comment

What is Skelpt Arse?

To use a splendid bit of sadly, now seldom-used Scottish vernacular, whose 'arse' definitely needs 'skelpt'?

Who or what has been letting you down, letting our magnificent country down or who generally needs brought into line. Politicians? Overly politically-correct-mandarins? Jobsworth civil-servants? Service industry specialists who've not been servicing? You tell us!

We've got a sliding scale of 'skelpitness' from a light smack or a pure, red, stinger? You decide!

Submit yours

Latest tweets

A Creating Sparks Production

Skelpt Arse is a Dunning Design initiative